Plain. Honest. Simple.

Buffalo Gal – Boot Camp Days 7, 8, 9 & 10

I’ve had to take my own path with Boot Camp. It’s been hard watching everyone progress so much faster than me. But I’ve decided not to feel bad about this. I decided this a while ago actually. It only makes me feel like crap and it does nothing to move me forward.

So what does this mean? I go to practice, I watch the instruction carefully – committing it to memory for later use, and then I find my own versions of practicing/learning those skills. Sometimes I stick to the wall. Sometimes I sit down while everyone else is still going strong. Sometimes I skate around the outside, singing in my head, “Buffalo gals go ‘round the outside.”

I often have to separate myself from the group to do these things. And I’ll admit, it unpacks some old baggage I have left from the time in my life where I had to watch life go by instead of being able to jump in and fully participate.

When I weighed 450 lbs., watching life go by was what I did all the time, and I did it with profound sadness. But I also did it with resolve and intent that nobody pitied me. I’m sure some pitied me anyway, but I never opened the door or invited it in.

However, in some ways, I still find myself there – feeling like I’m watching as life goes by; as radically different as my life and access to freedom is now. I’m sure a small amount of other nuggets feel a sense of pride because of me. By comparison, they can feel good about a day’s work because they tell themselves they pushed their limits and never sat out on the sidelines. They, in whatever small or big way, accomplished their newly assigned skill instead of watching it be accomplished.

When I catch wind of this happening, I fantasize about increasing some skinny bitch’s body size 2 ½ times and imagining how she would feel weighing 280 lbs., trying to accomplish what I’ve been accomplishing. I can tell you this much; When I get out there and do what I do for two hours, it’s fucking exhausting, no matter how little it looks like I’m doing in comparison to everyone else. And, then, compared to how my life used to be – it’s a breeze.

But from the ABSOLUTE vast majority of everybody, I feel sheeeeeeeer, overwhelming love and support. I can hear and feel my teammates all rooting for me – the Betties, the refs, the NSOs, the other nuggets. And it’s awesome. I can’t even tell you how much it means to me or how awesome it is.

So I keep showing up. I keep using everyday as a chance to build strength in one way or another. I keep getting on my skates and beating back the fear of maiming myself. I keep promising myself it will get better, that it will get easier and more freedom is right around the corner. And I dream, every single goddamn night – until I’m exhausted sometimes – about flying around the track like it’s in my blood.

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8 responses

  1. Erin Frame

    I keep saying this, but it’s what enters my head EVERYTIME, so forgive the boring repetition. You, my dear friend, are inspirational! And that is a gift to all of us.

    December 13, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    • stacylouise

      leees ❤

      December 13, 2010 at 10:11 pm

  2. Simone

    You know, you rock. You’re not on the sidelines watching practice go by or waiting for it to be over, you’re out there DOING YOUR THING every single time. There’s sitting on the sidelines, and there’s skating your heart out on the side of the track. You, my dear, are not sitting on the sidelines. You inspire me because when I was 280 pounds, I wasn’t even a speck of badass compared to the badass you are.

    December 13, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    • stacylouise

      omg, i heart u!

      December 13, 2010 at 10:10 pm

  3. Derby Husband #1

    I’m so proud of you. I know its hard. Been there, done that and will do it again. Every time I get on my skateboard and charge the park, I use more energy on every run than enyone else in the park. You do two hours per practice! Are you kidding?
    Just your home workout incapacitated me for a week! You rock. 🙂

    December 13, 2010 at 9:46 pm

    • stacylouise

      Sweetheart, I love u so much and am so lucky to have your support. You really get to see this whole journey up close and personal – and probably too personal at times, lol.

      You drove me home on the first night while I cried and tried to keep it a secret, and didn’t say a word. You let me masacre your arm for two weeks straight when I first got on skates (after a 28-year absence) and tried like hell to stand on my new Bambi legs without breaking my neck. You were there, literally, to catch me when I fell. You pushed when I didn’t want it, but later appreciated it. You gave me space. You kept me close. You’ve even joined the cause. Really, what more could a woman ask for?

      * ❤ *

      (Now, go ice that thigh muscle ;))

      December 14, 2010 at 10:05 am

  4. Your words could be my words! I’m 40, started derby the second week of August, and am making very slow progress–but it’s still progress! I often modify things and just keep trying, with resorting to skating around the rest of ’em if I can’t keep up. I will be reading your blog more in the future–it’s nice to feel that I’m not alone–both in my desire to improve and in size and in the love of derby.

    Thanks for sharing.
    Dianne

    December 25, 2010 at 8:01 pm

    • stacylouise

      Awesome! Thanks Dianne for leaving a comment. I’m so stoked to converse with other gals who can share and understand derby from this prospective (over 40, a wife, a mom, carving a path to health and freedom, and knowing you’ve got a rock star inside begging to get out. 🙂 ) Looking forward to sharing the journey together. Going to check out your blog too! ❤

      December 27, 2010 at 5:39 pm

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